It comes out like a storm, like a tornado ready to destroy anything in it's path. You know when you see before and after pictures of a beautiful city that's been destroyed by a massive natural disaster.... I swear that what I do in the lives of those I love, to the relationship between us. The more I love you and you love me the more I'm going to hurt you. I'll push and push without thinking of the consequences.. I recently noticed that this hurt, and anger comes from feeling abandoned.
The one person I needed in this world the first man I've ever loved, wasn't able to be there for me when the most important woman in my life was taken from me, taken from us.
My dad obviously took my mom's death hard, who wouldn't if they lost the love of their life. That's who she was to him, that's who he was to her. It wasn't the easiest relationship, but really who's is?
My dad went on a binge.. He always left me with my best friends family across the street, but really it was him that I needed.
Unfortunately his pain was too much for him to bare, he didn't know he was strong enough to get through it without a drink, or whatever else he took to forget his pain.
I remember my friends mother say that if my dad didn't come back that she'd call the Children's Aid Society so I could stay with a family until he could care for me..
I didn't really understand, but I knew that I didn't want to live with strangers. I wanted to stay with them, or be with my dad.
Sometime after that, a woman came to pick me up, she was really nice. She said that my daddy wasn't feeling well and that right now he couldn't take care of me. She told me that I would live with a really nice older couple until things were better at home. Little did I know things would never be better at home, and I would never go back to the place I lived with my parents.
The couple I lived with were in their early 60's, they were amazing to me. I had a nice room, though I remember it was cold in their house. All wood floors, we had had carpet in our place, so this was strange to me.. My bed was small, just a little twin, at our place I had a double.. My new room had light curtains it wasn't dark in my room at all, I didn't like that.
Oh well I thought this was only going to be temporary, I would go home as soon as my daddy felt better..
It took a little while before I finally got to see my dad. I remember my foster parents brought me to a huge building.. A lady met us and introduced herself to me, and said she'd take me to the room I'd get to see my dad in. I went with her while my foster parents went out for lunch, they'd be back they told me.. I didn't really care right now, I just wanted to see my dad. They could leave forever for all I cared, they were nice, but not my family.
I waited in this room with my new social worker(I'll call her Janet).. They had just about every toy I could imagine, along with crafts, coloring books, and sketch pads.
I remember a huge mirror on the one wall, the biggest I had ever seen. As I played with some dolls I had found, Janet was watching me and talking with me as my dad came into the room. I dropped the doll and didn't let Janet finish whatever it was she was saying as I jumped up and ran into my dad's arms crying and telling him I had missed him. He was crying too. "Are you ok Ilene?' he asked "Yes daddy, are you feeling better? When can I come home?" He replied "I'm trying to get better, it won't be too long"..
He asks me if I notice anything new on him that he's wearing.. Nope.. He's just wearing his regular white t shirt and light blue jeans.
Then he takes off a gold necklace, and put's it on me. I never had a necklace before. He told me it was his but I had to take care of it until we were together again.
I don't remember the rest of the visit. But I remember being happy to be with him.
I visited him a few times a week for a few months.. But I soon stopped asking when we'd be together again, the answer was never what I wanted.
I found out that my dad wasn't going to get better. Janet said he wasn't going to die, but he was not able to care for me anymore. So I had one last visit with him. At this point our visits were only once a week now. I had settled into my foster home, and I was used to living where I was. I didn't really realize at the age of 5 1/2 what not seeing my dad anymore really meant, or how that would impact me later on.
We went to McDonalds, my dad had a new car. He sure looked good to me. His bright blue eyes lit up every time he saw me, he had a great smile that took over his whole face. I'd say he was a medium build, and tall, strong. He had soft brown with silver highlights throughout his very full head of hair. Always in jeans and a t shirt, but he was so hansom.
I remember him telling me he loved me, and that "they" couldn't keep us apart forever. I remember him saying that we would be together again, he'd find me.
Then I remember saying good bye, he held me hard . I looked him in his eyes and said I loved him, as i watched a tear fall down his nose I started to cry. Maybe I realized this really was good bye.
Then I remember looking out the back of Janet's car as I waved at my dad standing at the traffic lights outside of the McDonalds. I cried, and I looked out that window until I couldn't see him anymore..
{{{Lena}}}
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