I've believed in God for as long as I can remember, but you can believe in God and not have a relationship with Him. I know, having a relationship with someone, something you can't even see sounds a little absurd.. Really though it's the most amazing relationship you can ever have in your existence. It is for me.
And to be honest right now I'm not as close to God as I have been other times in my life, but that doesn't mean I don't believe in Him and love Him. I do however find it very hard to give my whole life over, and listen to what He wants for my life.
Even that might be hard for some people to understand.. "listen to what He wants for my life", yup God talks to me. Some people will call it your conscience, but when you decide to let Jesus into your life that little voice in your head that tells you right from wrong become louder, deeper. In my heart I know it has to be God, He has made a way to connect with us and that's one of the ways. He will also speak through people, someone will say something to me and say they're not sure why but they have something to tell me.. I believe it's God giving them a message to give to me.
There's a huge spiritual struggle that I've been going through since the first real experience I had with the Holy Spirit. And I strongly believe in the spiritual re helm, where all around us are angels and demons that we don't see with our eyes.. Only after someone becomes a believer in Jesus do their eyes open to this spiritual rehelm.
There have been times in my life where I'm close with God, reading my Bible, praying, doing devotions, active in the Church.. And it's those times that Satan strikes me the hardest. I'm a dreamer, I have very vivid dreams. When I'm not close to God these dreams subside. But when I wake up in the morning wanting to talk to God, listening to worship music, while I dance in the kitchen with real Joy in my heart, it's at these times I have awful dreams... Some would call them nightmares.
I had this one dream where I'm awaken in bed with Darren to my right fast asleep, and I see this entity hovering above him... I was truly terrified. I can't even explain what it looked like, it was barley there, but at the same time I could see it or sense it so clearly. And it wasn't good. Even writing about it I'm getting anxious, knots in my stomach as my heart rate increases a little. Yuck!
I reached to touch this hovering transparent cloud, and my arms froze in mid air.. I couldn't move them and I suddenly felt my hands and arms tingle as if they were sleeping.. You know that strange feeling you get in an arm or leg after it being in a certain position for a while. But this tingling feeling was stronger... It was literally holding my arms and I was trapped. As fear filled my mind I remember thinking that not even God could save me, so why should I even cry out for His help. I do it anyways.. "God help me" I say in a very quiet soft skeptical voice. And not a second later I'm waking up.. The creepy thing about this dream is when i wake up my room is lit exactly the way it was in my dream, dim light of dawn entering through my curtain, everything around me looks as if it did a min ago in my dream. Normally when I dream it's in black and white, or something in my dream is off, not quite normal.. Not this dream. My heart starts pounding again... I'm laying exactly the way I was in my dream, but my arms are under the covers.. "was that a dream I ask myself" It had to be, there's no way I could get my arms under the blankets this fast without noticing.
All I know from this dream is that there is something dark, and very powerful around me, around Darren and I.
I close my eyes and pray.. God keep me close to you, forgive me for doubting you and the power you have over satan... The fear in my heart overwhelms me. Do I really want to fight the devil day in and day out.. When I really think about it I know that God strength in me I can do it. But oh man that fear is breathtaking, and not in a good way. And the spiritual warfare is on! Again I must fight, I may fall, but Thank God He will pick me back up!
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