My Start

 I've never done this.. And to be honest I don't know what I'm doing.. Lol But I feel if I write down everything that's been going on in my life over the past 29 years, maybe I can finally let go and move on from it. maybe it can help everyone understand who I am. And maybe someone else can relate in some way.
 I'll probably be all over the place so bare with me.

So most importantly, I love Jesus and there are many times in my story you will forget that.. Only because more time than not I've been a hypocrite, and in some very dark parts of my life, and others not so dark, I ignored God and His voice. I listened to someone dark, someone that ruins lives, and hurts everyone of those who let him in or don't realize he's actually there trying to pull some strings.. It started in the lives of my mom and dad, they let darkness into their lives, and I paid for it a bunch of us did.

 That being said I'll start this opening blog with one of my first memories when I was around 4 years old..

It's hard to say if it's just another party, or an actual celebration... My parents had people over and partied hard probably every weekend.
 I'd be in my bed and awaken by some loud music, loud talking, and laughter that any young girl would want to be apart of.
 As I'd creep quietly down the stairs knowing exactly where the creeks were on the stairs just from sneaking around so often, I'd hear the noise getting louder and louder.. I'd peek my head around the corner into the dinning/living room, and I'd see my mom sitting with some friends laughing away. She'd be laughing so hard that tears were streaming down her face, while my dad and his friends were telling stories. Apparently my dad was quite the funny guy.. Not always, but right at that moment my mom couldn't get enough of him and I just wanted to run into his arms..
 I remember loving to watch them when they were so happy, all the laughter that filled the home made me feel safe, normal. Little did I realize what the morning would bring, it's funny how you forget something so awful when you're so young. I guess I'll get to that in a bit.
 My mom sees me and calls me over to them "Ilene, my princess get over here"! Music to my ears, I'd run down and suddenly I was the life of the party. Everyone laughing and clapping as they'd get me to dance away, as my dad would play the guitar, and my mom would sing her heart out.
 Wow this woman's voice was what I envision an angels voice to be, soothing yet powerful. Considering the size of her, no one would expect this strong voice coming out of such a small woman. She was no taller than 5ft, long black hair, with her dark ebony eyes, and her beautiful tanned looking skin was always soft, along with one heck of a fit body for a woman who did nothing more than walk everywhere.

 I'd dance for my parents and their friends, I'd jump around and act silly, just to be apart of the party my parents loved so much, to enjoy all the laughter was more fun than anything I had experienced..
 My mom would bring me upstairs after Id fall asleep in her arms as she'd be singing. She'd kiss me and tell me how much she loved me, how I was her angel.

 I'd awake by noise again, as the early morning sun would appear orange and dim on my walls.. It was probably as early as 6am.. This time the noise wasn't so joyful.. It was screaming, the shrill in my mom's voice turned my stomach as I could feel the frog in my throat.. Hearing the anger in their voices and screams broke my heart.. I'd put my head under the pillow and pray the yelling would stop. It didn't.
 Once again I'd creep out of my bed, this time I only made it to the the top of the stairs.. Suddenly my mom was running up the stairs only stopped suddenly by a hand. The hand held her ankle as I watched my mom fall to the stairs hitting her face on the step getting dragged back down..
 There was more arguing, by this time I had ran back into my bedroom and was back under the covers waiting for this nightmare to stop..
 The door of my room suddenly opens and slams loudly.. I slowly put the covers down as I saw my mom standing at the door wearing nothing but her under ware and bra, her hair a mess, as she stands over me with a huge knife her hand.. "baby, get up" she says. So I did, strangely enough I didn't even wonder why she was carrying this knife, or why she had no clothes on.. She put the knife between my box spring and mattress, and decided to push my dresser in front on the door as we hear my dad yelling around downstairs.. Looking back she was clearly scared shitless, and I had no clue what was going on.
 I remember feeling scared.. She laid with me and held me until I fall back asleep.

When I woke up again and heard arguing, I'm not as scared.. I'm hungry, thirsty.. More than I am scared.
 This time I don't sneak downstairs, if anything I run hard so they can hear me coming. By the time I get to the bottom  they were both sitting on the couch and both in their under ware.... Finally quiet.
They both look at me and say nothing.. I walked up to them and simply say "daddy say sorry to mommy", and "mommy say sorry to mommy" and without a word they look at each other.
After a few moment my dad says he's sorry, and she does the same. As they hug and kiss, they grab me and thank me for making them apologize.. Strange how such a great evening can turn into such a heartbreaking morning.. Oh well...Once again things seem right in my world.

For now