Influence of boys and sex

This will probably be the hardest blog I've written yet. And man none of them have been easy.

I have an issue with the amount of pornography out there these days... People don't seem to be phased by it at all anymore. The amount of nudity in movies, magazines,advertisements, ect is crazy. My children are growing up in an era where sex, pornography, and nudity is more than accepted, it's joked about, and literally everywhere you turn.

Here's my story...
The first time I saw pronography, I was about 4 or 5 years old. My parents had left it in the vcr, when I turned it on there it was. My first time ever seeing anyone naked besides maybe my mom... This woman was masturbating. I was completely shocked that this woman was touching herself the way she was, making strange noises, I couldn't help but watch in hopes to figure out what was going on.. (The idea that one of my children would ever see this at such a young age disgusts me)
Sure enough, I decided to figure it out by attempting to do what she did. Well sure enough, I figured it out. As many of you know, the sensation can be some what wonderful, even addicting...
Throughout my life I would often turn to masturbating when things got ugly in my world. It was a temporary "escape" from reality. And in all honesty, I felt guilty, or gross afterwards when I started to do it more. (Probably because I'm pretty sure it's not "healthy" for a child to do that so often, if at all) But if you've read my blog, you know there were lots of traumatic events that have occurred in my life, and many times I needed an "escape" from reality.

I got older, and life got a little better stress wise. So I didn't feel the need to do it that much..

I was in grade 6, so about 11 years old. My body was changing, I didn't like it at all.. A friend and I were playing with some guys from our school. We went swimming, then were playing at the school yard.. I was wearing a full piece swimsuit that tied around my neck, and some shorts.
I was climbing the football end line poles, and doing backwards flips off of it.. I was probably showing off.
One of the guys (who I thought was a friend) asked me to do it again. So I climbed back up and was holding the bars with my hands, trying to get my legs up and through my arms; when he suddenly yelled to the other guys to "get me"... Next thing I knew, they were pulling my shorts off, I dropped myself to the ground and struggled but pulled them up.. With about three guys pulling at me, trying to untie my swimsuit, I got free and booked it. I couldn't believe this. They were trying to what? Get me naked? I didn't know, I didn't care, I just wanted to get out of there. My friend and I ran into another field, in hopes to get to her place. Then I heard her scream for me, I looked back and the "ring leader" had grabbed her. So obviously I stopped to go back for her, when the other guys came for me. They managed to throw me to the ground, touching me in places that I knew were private! On top of my clothes, but they were like wild animals trying to kiss me, touch me, and untie my swimsuit at my neck.. They got it undone, and all I could feel was humiliation. Suddenly rage built up enough that I kicked one guy in the chest and another in the face... Finally they were off. It was awful.
I soon realized these were not my friends, but they were the most popular guys in our class.. And I still wanted to hang out with them after a few days passed.. I wanted guys to like me, as most girls do.. I didn't tell anyone. We didn't tell anyone. I partly thought I'd get into trouble for wearing inappropriate clothing in front of these guys. Looking back my style was very much Salvation Army thrift store attire, and not what some of the other "cool girls" wore, which was a lot cuter than my clothes and swimsuits.

In grade 8 it happened all over again... Serves me right for trying to be their friends again, or should I say "the ring leaders" friend again.
The guys and a few girls would go to hang out at a friends place for lunch, I used to forge a note so I could go occasionally too, when I was invited.
We were hanging out and talking. Sometimes the guys would go after us a bit, tickle, wrestle, pretty innocent. This one day I was the only girl. And the "RL", tells me to show them my breasts. I very awkwardly try to laugh it off, and change the subject. And he orders me to again.. I look at him and say "No".
 I don't remember his words, but he tells the guys to get me. The next thing I know, I'm on the back deck with a few guy trying to take my shirt off as well as my shorts.
I laugh a bit in disbelief, as well as hoping this is a joke. Suddenly my shorts are coming off, as well as my shirt being lifted through my struggle to keep it all on. I figure I'd rather them see my arse than my vagina and or breasts, so through much resistance, I roll onto my stomach. My shirt gets lifted off my head, and I start to panic. I yell "Stop", they don't. I say "Seriously, Stop". They don't, they start touching me, and I scream "FUCK OFF,STOP", for a moment they don't. Then I hear a guy say "Enough guys", they don't stop, and he yells, "ENOUGH, she said stop!" Finally they back off. By now I'm practically in tears, on my stomach, pulling my pants up, and I stand to pull my shirt on...

Wow, that's all these guys want from me. They don't give a shit about me, my thoughts, my dreams, or my feelings. They just want to see me naked. They just want to touch me. They just want to have sex with me.

These were my first sexual experiences with guys. I came to know real fast, what they wanted from me. And later on, throughout school and young adulthood, that's all they seemed to ever want or care about, when it came to me. Not all of them. For sure the majority. And eventually I gave in. And I learned to have no respect for my body. I acted dumb. People, even women seemed to like me more if I was a little dumb.

It has taken years to get over this. And to learn that I deserve sooo much better, than these disgusting situations that I allowed myself to be in and be apart of.

So back to why I don't like all the pornography, and advertisements with women and men half naked... Is because it opens our hearts and minds to sex. And some people really can not handle their thoughts when sex is on their minds, and thoughts turn into words, which ultimately turn into actions.

The call

As I'm walking down the hallway of the Hospital, carrying my 10 month old baby boy, I can feel my heart pounding a little harder as I think of this being my last visit with my dad, before flying back to Alberta, back to my new home. I've seen him every day since I've been back in Ottawa visiting. He fell off a roof, trying to cut a tree down, by himself. Why'd he go to work on a day when he had no one helping him? This business is everything to him, he's been so successful, so good at it.
 When I think of him falling, all alone, my heart aches. He was put into a coma, for a month, so his body had time to heal. I came back to visit on time to see him, once he woke up. He cant speak much, though he sure tries.
 I make my way to his room. One of his best friends are there by his bed side talking to him. "sorry to interrupt Ronnie, want me to wait out here?" I ask him. No, no Ilene, I'm just leaving he says with a kind smile. He pats my dad shoulder, telling him to take care, and saying that he'll be back another day.
 I always liked Ronnie, out of all my dads friends, he was the real deal. I smile and tell him to have a good day, as he walks out.
 "Hi dad, I brought Jadon to see you". He tries to sit up more, and clearly gets frustrated that it's still hard to move much. He starts grumbling loudly, waving to the nurse who comes over to help him. She clearly has no clue what he's saying, and mentions to me that she's pretty sure he's not "all there yet", and incoherent due to his accident, and coma. Really!? "It's pretty clear to me, he's trying to ask for you to help sit him a cretin way"..  He continues to grumble at her, and I'm pretty sure curse at her as well, she gives up and takes off.
 I walk over, and place Jadon on his bed, then place my arm under his shoulder and pull him up a little. He seems pleased enough. He starts trying to talk, his deep voice making sounds that are close to words, but not quiet. He's looking at Jadon tearing up, so I'm sure he's saying something about him. I notice through his grumbling, that Jadon's deep voice must come from my father. At this point they both sound so similar.
 "Dad, you gave me Grandma Fennell's Bible when we first reconnected. It had a picture of me in it. So I decided right now is the perfect time to repay that offering back to you." I pull out a Bible from my diaper bag and place it at his side table. Before doing so I open it up and show him a picture of Jadon. His eyes widen, and he smiles, thanking me.
 I tell him about Alberta, and about school, he seems proud of me. I tell him about Darren and the new job he's doing with a home theater instillation company, he seems interested. He always liked my husband.
 Jadon starts getting restless, and I know our time together is ending.
I pull out some nail clippers. A little hesitant, knowing he's not going to be okay with this. "Dad, I'm going to cut your nails" He gives me a nasty look, pulls his hand away grumbling.
"Dad, look at your nails, they're gross" I tell him as I lift his hand to his face. Clearly he agrees, and allows me to cut them.
I tell him that it's my last visit for a while, since I'm heading back home that night. I hug him, I start crying. "Just get better dad, fight hard, you can do it" He starts crying and shakes his head no. I ignore it, and tell him I love him, and that I'll be praying for a quick recovery. He tells me he loves me, though I can't understand fully, I know that's what he's saying. I tell him I'll call him when I get home.

 As Jadon and I walk back down the halls, I start crying again, by the time we're outside I'm completely sobbing. Something feels wrong. I shouldn't be leaving, it takes everything in me not to turn and run back into his arms.I pray, it's all I can do now.

 I think of him often the following week, but never get a chance to call. Life gets soo busy.
One night I'm laying in bed fast asleep, the phone rings. I wake up and pick it up, it's my sister. "Ilene, dad went into cardiac arrest, and fell into a deep coma, the Dr's say he won't make it, he's on a breathing tube" "We're pulling the plug, there's nothing we can do". "Are you with him?" I ask her. "Yes" she says.
"Can you place the phone to his ear please?" She says ok, doing it now. "I don't know what to say dad, I love you, and I'm going to pray for you, please hear me"
"God, you know my dad, you know who he is, and you know his heart. You love him, I pray Father that you can forgive him for the things he has done that has not been your will. Forgive his sins, and meet him where he is now, and bring him to you in heaven. In Jesus name I pray, Amen" There's a pause, Then my sisters voice comes back. "Ilene, I'm not sure what you said, but his hearbeat increased when you were talking to him, he heard you." I start crying, and reply "I hope so"
 I hang the phone up, curl into the fetal position and cry. Darren reaches over and holds me until I fall asleep.

 I truly do believe God met him that night. God met him, and forgave him, and brought him to my mom on the other side. In paradise<3

Change and spiritual growth

Recently I have decided to seek the Holy Spirit. My life seemed to be kind of falling apart again, a little. I was far from God, I wasn't hearing His voice, or His direction in my life. I realized I had turned my back on Him and my Faith. I still believed, but I looked more like a citizen of this world, than I did a Christ follower. That's not what I want for my life, or the lives of my husband and children.
 I started to pray for God to work in me, to speak to me, to give me strength to make better decisions for myself and those I love. And I seemed to fail time and time again. I kept checking my heart, and I've come to realize I like this world and what it offers me. I like the temporary relief I get consuming things of this world. Then I realized the key word here is "temporary" relief.
What is wrong with me!!?? Why would I want temporary relief, when God has offered to take all my hurt, all my pain, all my regret from my shoulders, and carry it for me?
One day I was talking to God expressing my disappointment of some of my actions. I honestly said to Him, "God I want to change. I want to be who you want me to be. But I don't have the strength to change, and a large part of me doesn't want to. And I don't fully trust you. Maybe if I was pregnant I could do it. Lord give me the strength and the self control to live the life you have planned for me." And sure enough a few months later I find out my husband and I are expecting our 4th child. I wasn't really asking to become pregnant, but He heard me! Coincidence? Probably not. I've needed fertility drugs to conceive in the past. I believe God's using this pregnancy to teach me a little more who He wants me to be. I feel Him changing me a little bit everyday. I'm receiving strength to say no to something I may not have a few months ago. I'm gaining confidence in saying I don't agree with negative decisions, or actions, where as a few months ago I may have just kept my mouth shut. I'm growing and maturing, in ways I could only imagine, and pray for. I'm reading about Jesus' life and praying to be more like Him and His selfless ways than my own. I'm choosing to believe that I am good enough to do His will. I am strong enough to stand up for what's right, and to make the right decisions in my own life. With the Holy Spirit I can do all things. Like I've said before, I believe in the spiritual realm, good, and evil, God, and satan. So with all this good going on in my life, I am getting attacked from satan in ways that at times scare me. Then I remember I have nothing to fear! I'm on the winning side! The debt is paid. I'm free, and finally learning what that truly means<3

Moments of beauty

I love the sound of waves rolling in, onto the damp sand, while I lay tanning on the beach. And the feeling of the hot sun, relaxing my entire body. Or the unbelievable, peaceful moment, that overcomes me when I watch an eagle soar through the air. I strongly enjoy the moment, when I drive to the top of a large hill, as my breath gets taken away by the clear skies overhead, only to see the magnificent beauty of the snow tipped rolling mountains in the distance.

It captivates me as I walk out onto the cottage porch in the early summer morning, to hear nothing but the birds chirping, to see the glass looking lake, calm, tranquil, mesmerizing.

There's the butterflies that start in my stomach, and intensifies throughout my body from head to toe, as the one I love comes close to me.

The sent of seasons changing. The feeling of the dry leaves crush under my shoes, or the feeling of cool rain gently falling on my face, seeing the first strong snowfall over the trees, and roof tops.

These small yet remarkable moments make me happy to be alive. And make me so thankful to my creator for loving the world so much to assemble such beauty. 

The Unseen World

Not really sure how to write this but here we go...

 In the past few months I've come to realize the attacks of darkness, in my life, in the lives of my husband, and even in my children. I have this overwhelming feeling that God is calling on me for a specific reason. A reason that I'm to scared to face. A reason that is too big for me to handle. I know in my heart that "through Him I can do all things"(Philippians 4:13), but something is holding me back. Holding me back from fully learning and understanding what my purpose is here on earth. Holding me back from fully trusting my life, to the one who created me.
 I believe in the spiritual realm, where there are among us angels and demons. I believe in Heaven and Hell. I believe in God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I believe in satan. I believe that we are influenced by the spiritual realm in a way most people are unaware of. 
 I actually physically feel the energy of good and evil. It's mind boggling, when you think of it, the way that I do. When you can see it the way I see it. I feel it real, and true, in my entire being!
 It's funny actually. If you know me, you know that I can be uncertain with soo many things in my life. But this I Know! Without even the smallest doubt.
 If you close your eyes and place your hand about an inch from your face, you can feel the presence or energy of your hand. This is similar to what I feel when I feel the presence of good or evil. Though what I feel, is much, much stronger. But, the thing is that they don't feel the exact same. The presence of darkness is cold, my mussels grow tense, my tummy gets knots, and fear flows slowly through my whole body. My mind goes to dark places, one may think is made up, or not real. But it Is real. It's intense.
 The presence of good, is obviously beautiful. It's a remarkable feeling of peace, and rest. Of love and complete relaxation. An essence of absolute protection! 
 My goal is to become more in tune with what is unseen. To follow the Truth I have learned. To become who I am meant to be. I don't need to be understood, and accepted by this world. I need to follow the path that is set out for me.

Rising from the Ashes

As I look at my seven year old son, I wonder why was I chosen to be his mother? He's not biologically mine, but he's mine in my heart, and in my mind. I find myself wondering if I've been a good enough parent to him. Has he been hurt the way that I was? What goes on in his little mind? Does he wonder the way I did, what it would be like to live with his birth parents? Of course he does.
 I decided when he came into the care of my husband and I at under a year and a half, that he would know about his birth mother, who is my sister (foster sister), from day 1. I believe that truth is extreamly important in every relationship. You can't really have a real relationship, or a healthy one, without truth.
 Sometimes when I look at him I strongly dislike that he had to come into our care. Not because I don't love him, not because I would do it any other way if we could. Because his beautiful mother is missing out on his life. She's someone I would die for myself, we never would have decided to raise him if he was someone elses child. Maybe we would have. My husband and I were soo young, only 24, and just married 4 months. But I love her. And because I love her, I loved him. He's a very easy child to love. He's energetic, kind hearted, strong in what he believes, and a real people pleaser, on top of all that, he's got these big gorgeous hazel eyes, adorable little nose, and the perfect eye brows I've ever seen on any male, with a smile that'll melt your heart.
 He's the greatest big brother to our other son and daughter. They love him so much, and he them. They look up to him for his knowledge, his advice, and for so much more. When they're apart all they do is talk about each other and say how much they miss their siblings. He has filled our home with completion. They all have in their own little way.
 This Christmas I remember 6 years ago, our first Christmas with him. And I thank God for bringing him into our lives. My life was changed in many ways when I became him mommy. My promise to him, is that I will always put his emotional and mental needs ahead of my own. I will guide him the best I can with God's help, and I will always be honest with him.
 He's my Phoenix, and I will help him "Rise from the Ashes"

Mirror On The Wall....

I find it strange when there comes a point in your life that you look into the mirror and seriously strongly dislike what you see.. For you see all the mistakes you said you'd never make. You have become the person you never were going to become. You've hurt people you never wanted to hurt. And when you look at the reflection you see something ugly, pitiful, hurt, and angry.
 How can one person do this to themselves? Or was there some sort of outer influence that helped create this monster?
 When I was young, monsters were scary things under the bed, or in the closet... Now it's something so much more real, I see it in the mirror.
 How do you defeat this monster? A part of me just wants to give into it.. It's too big to fight.
Then there's a small part of me that thinks I can actually win the fight..I've done it before. But that part of me is so miniscule, that the monsters is voice over powering it...
Only one thing I can do... Win!