Recently I have decided to seek the Holy Spirit. My life seemed to be kind of falling apart again, a little. I was far from God, I wasn't hearing His voice, or His direction in my life. I realized I had turned my back on Him and my Faith. I still believed, but I looked more like a citizen of this world, than I did a Christ follower. That's not what I want for my life, or the lives of my husband and children.
I started to pray for God to work in me, to speak to me, to give me strength to make better decisions for myself and those I love. And I seemed to fail time and time again. I kept checking my heart, and I've come to realize I like this world and what it offers me. I like the temporary relief I get consuming things of this world. Then I realized the key word here is "temporary" relief.
What is wrong with me!!?? Why would I want temporary relief, when God has offered to take all my hurt, all my pain, all my regret from my shoulders, and carry it for me?
One day I was talking to God expressing my disappointment of some of my actions. I honestly said to Him, "God I want to change. I want to be who you want me to be. But I don't have the strength to change, and a large part of me doesn't want to. And I don't fully trust you. Maybe if I was pregnant I could do it. Lord give me the strength and the self control to live the life you have planned for me." And sure enough a few months later I find out my husband and I are expecting our 4th child. I wasn't really asking to become pregnant, but He heard me! Coincidence? Probably not. I've needed fertility drugs to conceive in the past. I believe God's using this pregnancy to teach me a little more who He wants me to be. I feel Him changing me a little bit everyday. I'm receiving strength to say no to something I may not have a few months ago. I'm gaining confidence in saying I don't agree with negative decisions, or actions, where as a few months ago I may have just kept my mouth shut. I'm growing and maturing, in ways I could only imagine, and pray for. I'm reading about Jesus' life and praying to be more like Him and His selfless ways than my own. I'm choosing to believe that I am good enough to do His will. I am strong enough to stand up for what's right, and to make the right decisions in my own life. With the Holy Spirit I can do all things. Like I've said before, I believe in the spiritual realm, good, and evil, God, and satan. So with all this good going on in my life, I am getting attacked from satan in ways that at times scare me. Then I remember I have nothing to fear! I'm on the winning side! The debt is paid. I'm free, and finally learning what that truly means<3
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