"New home"

It's funny cause it's been so long that I really have no clue where to start... But I feel that it's long past due to get something written.

 I think I'll go back to when I became a foster child....

So it was 1988 probably about a month after my mom died. To be honest I don't remember my social workers name so I'll just call her Janet. I'm pretty sure at this point I was an emergency case.. Which means that the CAS (Childrens Aid Society) had to find a home for me right away.
 I had been living with my neighbors now for about a month, give or take a few days here and there when my dad was sober enough to be around.
 Funny thing is looking back now I can totally see where he was coming from. I can't imagine loosing the most important person in my life, my partner, my best friend. Yeah sure every relationship has it's problems but to loose your partner forever without having a say in it, and knowing you will never see the person ever again... At least not in this lifetime..That has to have a serious impact on someone.  I do not blame my dad anymore for the selfish, harsh choices he made after my mom died.. He tried to drown his misery in booze and drugs. I'd probably do the same. The only difference between him and me is that as soon as anyone tried to take my children from me I'd straighten my rear end up and be the person they'd need me to be. That's where he failed.
And because he failed I've had serious trust issues with the men in my life. But just because I was hurt by the first man I ever loved, doesn't mean I should allow that to haunt my relationships with other men, especially the one who want's to love me.

 I remember walking into this cold dim town house with Janet.. Greeting us at the door was a tall woman with dark black hair with white streaks through it. She was tall with a warm smile and a pretty soft voice. "Hi Ilene, I'm Jane" she said."Hi" I simply replied. She invited us to take our shoes off and come in. We followed her in through her small old fashion kitchen and into her dinning room. As we sat down I tried to picture myself living here.. It seemed strange living in someone else's home. i remember feeling how uncomfortable the thought of it was. Knowing I wouldn't wake up to my mom or dad, but to wake up to these two old strangers... I couldn't believe it. I tried not to think about how weird I felt inside. She was a nice woman, I liked her right away. Kind of like a grandma. But the house was soo cold, i didn't like that.
 As Janet and Jane were talking my mind was clearly else where, I heard a bit of Janet mentioning how close I was with my mother.. And that I missed my dad, but nothing else that they said really popped out.
 Then an old man walked in. He had a half a head of white hair. A little tubby on the core area, but he too had a nice soft look to him. "You must be Ilene?" he belted out. "Yes" I awkwardly replied. "Happy to have you dear, I'm Bruce". "Thank you" I said in a quiet voice.
 As the adults spoke I totally blocked them out, and looked around drowning myself in my thoughts. Something I'm still good at to this day is blocking out conversation I don't want to hear or be apart of. I literally turn the volume off in my head of what others are saying by making my thoughts louder...
What a funny smell this house had. I still couldn't picture myself living in this house.
"Ilene, would you like to see your room?" Jane asked. "Ok" I replied, really just wanting to get out of this house and go to my own room at my dad's house..
 As we walked up the narrow wooden stairs, I got a creepy feeling inside myself. I decided I did not like this home. it was strange, cold, and dark.
 We turned at the top of the stairs and walked down a little hall way into a room at the end of it. Jane opened the door into a bright narrow, long room. It was cold as well, hard wood floors, a small twin bed in the left corner beside the window, with a desk to the right of the widow along the wall.
 Suddenly I was overwhelmed with fear. This is it I thought... this is my room. I hate it! I want to go home! I want to see my dad! And what'd I say......."Thank you". "Oh Ilene, your welcome, we are so happy to have you live with us" Jane replied.
 "Ilene we are going to chat a little more downstairs, would you like to get settled up here in your new room"?" janet asked. "Sure" I said.
 They left... I gently closed my "new" door... Walked over to my "new" bed crawled under the covers into the fetal position and cried under my pillow. I pulled it to my face hard and screamed.. I felt pain in my stomach, in my chest. Why do I have to go through this!? I thought. Why am I soo alone!? Why is my mom gone!? Why have I been taken from my dad!? Why is any of this allowed!? I cried like a baby into a pillow pulled tight to my face, so tight that I could barely breath. I was ok with the lack of air I was reviving though..
 I jumped out of bed and went to the mirror by my desk and wiped my tears away. My fit was done. Time to move on i told myself as I looked into the mirror. I'm stronger than this, my mommy told me I was!"
 "Ilene!" Jane called from downstairs. "Janet is leaving, come say good bye"
 I went to the top of the stairs put on a smile and simply said "Bye Janet,have a good day". She replied "Bye Ilene, I'll see you next week sweetheart, I'll take you to visit your dad".
 "Ok" I turned and ran back to my "new" room and cried again....