This will probably be the hardest blog I've written yet. And man none of them have been easy.
I have an issue with the amount of pornography out there these days... People don't seem to be phased by it at all anymore. The amount of nudity in movies, magazines,advertisements, ect is crazy. My children are growing up in an era where sex, pornography, and nudity is more than accepted, it's joked about, and literally everywhere you turn.
Here's my story...
The first time I saw pronography, I was about 4 or 5 years old. My parents had left it in the vcr, when I turned it on there it was. My first time ever seeing anyone naked besides maybe my mom... This woman was masturbating. I was completely shocked that this woman was touching herself the way she was, making strange noises, I couldn't help but watch in hopes to figure out what was going on.. (The idea that one of my children would ever see this at such a young age disgusts me)
Sure enough, I decided to figure it out by attempting to do what she did. Well sure enough, I figured it out. As many of you know, the sensation can be some what wonderful, even addicting...
Throughout my life I would often turn to masturbating when things got ugly in my world. It was a temporary "escape" from reality. And in all honesty, I felt guilty, or gross afterwards when I started to do it more. (Probably because I'm pretty sure it's not "healthy" for a child to do that so often, if at all) But if you've read my blog, you know there were lots of traumatic events that have occurred in my life, and many times I needed an "escape" from reality.
I got older, and life got a little better stress wise. So I didn't feel the need to do it that much..
I was in grade 6, so about 11 years old. My body was changing, I didn't like it at all.. A friend and I were playing with some guys from our school. We went swimming, then were playing at the school yard.. I was wearing a full piece swimsuit that tied around my neck, and some shorts.
I was climbing the football end line poles, and doing backwards flips off of it.. I was probably showing off.
One of the guys (who I thought was a friend) asked me to do it again. So I climbed back up and was holding the bars with my hands, trying to get my legs up and through my arms; when he suddenly yelled to the other guys to "get me"... Next thing I knew, they were pulling my shorts off, I dropped myself to the ground and struggled but pulled them up.. With about three guys pulling at me, trying to untie my swimsuit, I got free and booked it. I couldn't believe this. They were trying to what? Get me naked? I didn't know, I didn't care, I just wanted to get out of there. My friend and I ran into another field, in hopes to get to her place. Then I heard her scream for me, I looked back and the "ring leader" had grabbed her. So obviously I stopped to go back for her, when the other guys came for me. They managed to throw me to the ground, touching me in places that I knew were private! On top of my clothes, but they were like wild animals trying to kiss me, touch me, and untie my swimsuit at my neck.. They got it undone, and all I could feel was humiliation. Suddenly rage built up enough that I kicked one guy in the chest and another in the face... Finally they were off. It was awful.
I soon realized these were not my friends, but they were the most popular guys in our class.. And I still wanted to hang out with them after a few days passed.. I wanted guys to like me, as most girls do.. I didn't tell anyone. We didn't tell anyone. I partly thought I'd get into trouble for wearing inappropriate clothing in front of these guys. Looking back my style was very much Salvation Army thrift store attire, and not what some of the other "cool girls" wore, which was a lot cuter than my clothes and swimsuits.
In grade 8 it happened all over again... Serves me right for trying to be their friends again, or should I say "the ring leaders" friend again.
The guys and a few girls would go to hang out at a friends place for lunch, I used to forge a note so I could go occasionally too, when I was invited.
We were hanging out and talking. Sometimes the guys would go after us a bit, tickle, wrestle, pretty innocent. This one day I was the only girl. And the "RL", tells me to show them my breasts. I very awkwardly try to laugh it off, and change the subject. And he orders me to again.. I look at him and say "No".
I don't remember his words, but he tells the guys to get me. The next thing I know, I'm on the back deck with a few guy trying to take my shirt off as well as my shorts.
I laugh a bit in disbelief, as well as hoping this is a joke. Suddenly my shorts are coming off, as well as my shirt being lifted through my struggle to keep it all on. I figure I'd rather them see my arse than my vagina and or breasts, so through much resistance, I roll onto my stomach. My shirt gets lifted off my head, and I start to panic. I yell "Stop", they don't. I say "Seriously, Stop". They don't, they start touching me, and I scream "FUCK OFF,STOP", for a moment they don't. Then I hear a guy say "Enough guys", they don't stop, and he yells, "ENOUGH, she said stop!" Finally they back off. By now I'm practically in tears, on my stomach, pulling my pants up, and I stand to pull my shirt on...
Wow, that's all these guys want from me. They don't give a shit about me, my thoughts, my dreams, or my feelings. They just want to see me naked. They just want to touch me. They just want to have sex with me.
These were my first sexual experiences with guys. I came to know real fast, what they wanted from me. And later on, throughout school and young adulthood, that's all they seemed to ever want or care about, when it came to me. Not all of them. For sure the majority. And eventually I gave in. And I learned to have no respect for my body. I acted dumb. People, even women seemed to like me more if I was a little dumb.
It has taken years to get over this. And to learn that I deserve sooo much better, than these disgusting situations that I allowed myself to be in and be apart of.
So back to why I don't like all the pornography, and advertisements with women and men half naked... Is because it opens our hearts and minds to sex. And some people really can not handle their thoughts when sex is on their minds, and thoughts turn into words, which ultimately turn into actions.
